I’m Still Here: A Vague Life Update from an AWOL Mama Blogger

Dear Mama,

I wanted to write you a post to let you know that I’m still here. I haven’t been very active on this blog lately, but I have not forgotten it. Not by a long shot.

Obviously, it’s been a while since I’ve published a post. I suppose you might say I have had a sort of writer’s block. The past 9 months have been challenging for me as a mother and as an individual in general.

Having more kids has not gone as planned. Two big moves and buying a house in a crazy seller’s market have kept my world uncertain and constantly changing. Hormonal and emotional struggles have left me feeling completely off-balance at times. Trying to keep up with school and considering going back to work have me questioning where my focus should be. My just-turned four-year-old daughter growing up has been hitting me really hard and has me struggling to accept my role as a preschool mom.

Every time my husband asks me, “Do you still keep up with your blog or have you let it go?”, it’s like a slap in the face I know I deserve. I love this blog. I love sharing my motherhood trials and triumphs with other moms who need encouragement and comradery.

Yet, I have not been able to publish a post. And I’ve felt the weight of it constantly since last summer. I refuse to let this blog go, but I can’t seem to get past this emotional block to write openly again. My heart is just tired, my life always uncertain these days.

I haven’t had the heart-strength to share and I haven’t had the brain-power to research. I want to bury my heartache and mama challenges instead of sharing them like I used to. And my time is so much more limited than it used to be to research mama topics. This combination has resulted in me checking on my blog every couple of weeks, maybe writing a line or two in an attempt to start a new post. And logging off shortly thereafter when I find no inspiration to continue or I run out of time.

Oh, Mama. Life is hard. Motherhood is hard. Watching your baby grow up is hard. Trying to keep up with housework is hard. Making increasingly important and difficult decisions about your child’s health, education, discipline and life in general is hard. Starting over in a new place is hard. Loss is hard. New stages are hard. Change is hard.

I really wish I could write you a post right here and now that is full of research-based evidence on some important mama topic. But I just can’t write that post right now. I wish I could write in-depth about some relevant mama topic that I have recent experience with, but my heart just isn’t in it right now.

What I can do is try to get back in the saddle and write something. Because even though this post may not be helping anyone right now, it will keep this blog alive and it will give me a boost in beginning to write again. Because whatever it takes, I will not give up on this blog.

Do you know why? I’ll tell you why. Because I still get comments from you, my readers, my fellow moms, on posts I’ve previously published. I still log on to see that some mama was helped by what she read on my blog. I still get, “Thank you for posting this! I couldn’t find any info on this topic” in response to my most popular posts. And that gives me and this blog so much purpose.

This post is to let you know, to let the World Wide Web know, to let social media know that I’m still here. I’m not letting this blog go, because mamas still read my old posts and are relieved to get information and understanding that they are not finding anywhere else.

You are the reason for this blog, Mama. I can’t abandon you.

I know that trying to conceive while breastfeeding may not sound like a big deal to someone who hasn’t been in that situation. But for you, it is incredibly frustrating.

I know that not everyone goes through tooth decay with their toddler. But for you, it has challenged your child’s entire diet and oral health, and you need support.

I know that molar pregnancies are rare. But when you experience one, you need to feel some commonality, which is hard to find.

I know that PMS symptoms without a period while breastfeeding sounds trivial to outsiders. But for you, it’s confusing and no one has ever told you this might happen.

I know that weaning from breastfeeding is something all breastfeeding moms go through. But very few of them talk about what a difficult process it can be physically, hormonally and emotionally.

I know that choosing not to sleep-train your baby or toddler is taboo and, in some circles, unacceptable. But if you are unable or unwilling to sleep-train, you need to know that you are not alone in that and you are not wrong for doing things the way that works for your family.

So I’m still here, Mama. And I will write about relevant mama topics again soon. I will learn again to take you on the journey with me as I walk this path of motherhood that has so many unexpected twists, turns, forks, intersections, stop signs and construction zones. We will walk through this motherhood journey together.