Trying to conceive while breastfeeding can be very emotional. I know how frustrating, confusing and hopeless it can feel. I went through it for about a year and a half and I know for a fact that there are many, many mamas out there having the exact same struggle.
Beyond the disappointment of continuously negative pregnancy tests, it’s also very guilt-provoking knowing that your reason for temporary infertility is a “good” reason and you “shouldn’t” be allowed to have a difficult time with it. Afterall, being unable to conceive at this point is a direct result of a woman’s success with not only conceiving but breastfeeding!
However, it is difficult at times, despite the grateful attitude and sense of accomplishment we may have for our successful breastfeeding stories.
While I was waiting for my body to be capable of producing another baby, I knew I had it good. I had a healthy, sweet toddler girl whom I adored. Before my daughter, I suffered a miscarriage and was very aware of the blessing it is to even have one healthy child.
Read my miscarriage story here.
Yet, it was impossible to ignore the deep, intense desire my husband and I both had to have more children. If I could only ever have one child, I would be eternally grateful for that one enormous blessing. But I could not deny that I would also be heartbroken to not be allowed to have the amazing pregnancy, birth and baby experience again.
Of course, I knew that my infertile state was for a perfectly normal reason and had little fear that I would be unable to ever conceive another child. But my husband and I had hoped to have our children close in age, and as time stretched beyond when we expected to be having a second child, it was hard not to feel hopeless that a sibling for my daughter was anywhere in our near future.
If you are trying to conceive while breastfeeding, you are safe to admit your struggle here. I know it’s probably not something you talk about with very many, if any, people. You don’t want to offend someone who cannot have children or who has miscarried. You don’t want to sound ungrateful. I get it.
But as you read this post, let’s just assume a few things about each other:
- We both love the child(ren) we have with all our hearts.
- We both remember every single day how blessed and thankful we are to be a mom.
- We are both aware that some women envy what we already have and wouldn’t dare to imply to anyone that we are missing anything in our family.
- We both have a deep, natural, unignorable desire to have at least one more child.
With all this in mind, let’s dare to discuss the struggle it is physically and emotionally trying to conceive while breastfeeding.
Please note that I am not a medical professional and nothing in this post is meant to be construed as or replace medical advice.
The Physical Struggle Trying to Concieve While Breastfeeding
There is no possible way for me to describe to you exactly what your physical journey of trying to conceive while breastfeeding will look like or has looked like. Each woman’s body is different, and I have heard so many variations of what mamas’ bodies do during this hormonally complicated time.
But the one thing that will eventually happen for every mom is the resumption of her cycle. Exactly how it resumes can vary greatly, however.
For some women, returning to fertility simply won’t happen until they completely wean from breastfeeding. But for others, Aunt Flo will make an appearance at some point during breastfeeding when the body feels it is capable of supporting an additional life.
There are moms who see the return of their periods within weeks of giving birth, despite exclusively breastfeeding (although, please note that exclusive breastfeeding is not the same as ecological breastfeeding – read this post for more info on that).
Other women begin to feel PMS creeping up soon after introducing solids to their baby. And for still others, it can happen at some later time when their child decreases milk intake because of self-weaning, sleeping longer stretches or being separated from mom more often.
Some women don’t feel their child has significantly changed anything about his nursing habits when they get their first taste of PMS while breastfeeding. But frequently, a sudden, extreme change in nursing behavior is what sends a signal to the body that having another baby would be okay now.
Personally, I had a few instances before day-weaning my daughter when I thought I might be about to start my cycle again or thought I was pregnant, but nothing ever came of those occasions. Technically, we were not trying to conceive prior to day-weaning my daughter because it was hardly possible in the absence of a cycle. Hopeful would be a better word for that period of time.
Until a shocking day finally arrived …
My daughter had nursed like a newborn, all night and all day, from brith until she was 21 months old. But after a developmentally stimulating visit from my parents (who live out-of-state), she suddenly and surprisingly lost interest in nursing much between sleep times, and I jumped at the opportunity to day-wean. Not that I was anxious to be done breastfeeding, but I was ready to not have to stop whatever I was doing every 1-2 hours to sit and nurse.
Read more details on what my parital weaning from breastfeeding was like here.
I had a lot of crazy hormones for the next several months, but I won’t get into that here. If you want to know what all those many months of hormonal craziness entailed, read my post on Hormones After Weaning from Breastfeeding. For this post, let’s just focus on the fertility aspect of what happened following day-weaning my daughter.
While day-weaning definitely brought some fertile-appearing changes to my body, trying to conceive while breastfeeding became really frustrating and confusing very quickly. I knew from reading other women’s experiences that it could take a month or several before I would have a period and that I may not even ovulate before my first period.
Fortunately, I had also read that the first few postpartum periods can consist of only light spotting. So when I finally had three days of spotting four months after day-weaning, I was hopeful instead of dismayed.
I had already been frustrated many times prior to that first “period” thinking I might be ovulating based on my highly scientific method of tracking cervical mucus by peering at it with questioning and confused eyes. So I was relieved to finally have something substantial to rely on.
Just so you know, cervical mucus can be extremely unreliable when you’re trying to conceive while breastfeeding. Particularly if you don’t have a regular cycle.
After that initial spotting, I was hopeful that I would start a real period soon. But it was four more months before I had another three-day spotting.
Get free access to my goals journal for mamas who want to live with purpose here!
But then, finally, three weeks after that second spotting, I had a real period. It seemed that my regular cycle might actually be starting at long last.
However, from my continued reading on the topic of trying to conceive while breastfeeding, I deduced that I likely had a short luteal phase. Having a short luteal phase can be the result of low progesterone production and is a problem many women have when trying to conceive while breastfeeding.
Because the prolactin that is produced during breasteeding supresses progesterone production, often the uterine lining cannot be sustained long enough to support a fertilized egg that has not yet implanted or has very recently implanted. So having a short luteal phase can make it difficult to get pregnant.
Based on the window of time I guestimated I was ovulating, my luteal phase (the time between ovulation and when your period starts) was not lasting the minimum requirement of 12 days. But I also had read that your luteal phase can lengthen over time even while breastfeeding. Some women take certain vitamins to help lengthen their luteal phase, but I cannot speak to that personally.
As a side note, I was not using ovulation tests. I absolutely hated them the few times I had used them in the past and refused to subject myself to the additional emotional upheaval they would bring. But more on the emotional aspect of trying to conceive while breastfeeding in a moment.
After that first real period, I had one more real period 24 days later. And then more confusion when I never started another period. I had negative pregnancy tests when I was expecting my period and for over a week after that.
By the way, do not make the same mistake I made making frequent runs to the Dollar Tree and Walmart to pick up “cheap” pregnancy tests. It wasn’t until this most recent round of hopeful testing that I discovered these pregnancy tests on Amazon that are much cheaper! And for a product that is specifically created for soaking in urine, the cheaper the better.
I cannot tell you the shock I was in for days after getting a positive pregnancy test on cycle day 34. Due to the late big fat positive as well as several other factors, I knew I had not ovulated until roughly cycle day 22. So I considered it a blessing that my body was able to maintain the necessary conditions to preserve the pregnancy.
Unfortunately, the pregnancy had a rare defect and ultimately did not end well, but this outcome was completely unrelated to breastfeeding (you can read the details of my complete molar pregnancy in this post). I still consider the pregnancy a successful result of trying to conceive while breastfeeding, and I hope it encourages you to know that it is possible to conceive while breastfeeding, even with a short luteal phase.
Now, let’s talk about how emotional it is trying to conceive while breastfeeding.
The Emotional Struggle Trying to Conceive While Breastfeeding
Trying to conceive while breastfeeding is very emotional. Other people might not understand why it’s emotional. Someone who has not been in your situation may ignorantly think you’ve brought this misery on yourself.
If you dare to voice your struggle, you may receive comments such as,”If you can’t get pregnant while breastfeeding, why not just stop breastfeeding if you want another baby so badly?”
I’ll admit, before becoming a mom, I probably would have thought something along these lines of women who were in a position similar to the one I have now been in. It sounds logical to simply stop breastfeeding if you are struggling to conceive because of it.
But there are many reasons why a mama may be unable or unwilling to wean from breastfeeding, and that is a very important decision a mama should not feel pressured into. If you do not want to wean your child right now, I completely understand even if other people will not.
I could not wean my daughter without stretching her beyond what I felt was emotionally healthy for her, even as a toddler. And I was not going to hurt my current child out of hope for another one.
But the longing for another child remained just the same. Despite my resistance to weaning. Despite my uncooperative hormones. Despite my many disappointments as I tried to track the anticipated return of my fertility.
It was emotionally hard trying to conceive while breastfeeding. It was hard to see other family members and friends having second and third children while I was stuck at one.
Of course, I was so endlessly grateful for my one child. And I knew not everything was rosey and perfect for other moms who were having additional children.
I was also comforted that my state of infertility had a known cause and was temperary.
But there is still an undeniable ache that never quite goes away for any woman with an unfulfilled hope of having a child, regardless of the circumstances. And hope sometimes dulls after endless disappointments.
During the course of hoping and trying to conceive while breastfeeding, I eventually got to the point that I felt numb to expectation and resigned to my current state. I felt I had been drained of the ability to care anymore, even though it still hurt inside. I had exhausted my emotions on the topic over the last year and a half and especially during those last nine months of uncertain fertility before I conceived.
Honestly, by the time I conceived, I didn’t really have any excitement left inside to give to the idea of being pregnant. I had been excited so many times only to be let down hard. Of course, I was happy to finally be expecting a sibling for our daughter, but being pregnant in and of itself no longer held the same level of appeal it used to for me.
The point here is that trying to conceive while breastfeeding can be draining and exhausting emotionally. I totally understand that feeling of discouragement you may be feeling right now, Mama. It’s not about being ungrateful for the child(ren) you already have or your breastfeeding journey.
It’s about the constant ups and downs involved in this process and how hard they can be on your heart. Your cycle might be absent or irregular and you are frequently trying to guess if your body might be getting ready to ovulate. Or you may have a regular cycle but have low progesterone and/or a short luteal phase or some other hormonal imbalance that is making it challenging to conceive.
It is tiring to always be wondering what state your fertility is in, whatever your cycle is like while breastfeeding. And while I’m not advocating self-pity, just know that it is normal to have tough emotions during this time.
Getting Through the Struggle
I wrote this post because I wanted to make sure another mama who is feeling the secret despair of trying to conceive while breastfeeding does not feel alone and possibly guilty. I promise you, there are many other mamas out there struggling with the exact same thing and it is a real struggle.
I discovered I was not alone when I joined a Facebook support group for moms who are trying to conceive while breastfeeding. I think there is a support group for just about everything on Facebook and I’m so grateful for it!
Facebook support groups are where I turn when I am dealing with unique mama situations I know I will not easily find within my own network of mom friends and aquaintences. If you are feeling isolated in your trying-to-conceive-while-breastfeeding-journey, try joining a Facebook support group or get involved in forums and message boards on the topic.
Having so many other moms who understand supporting you is really helpful, espeically since this is probably not a topic you can generally comfortably discuss with many women.
Other than finding support from other moms, the best thing I did to get through the struggle of trying to conceive while breastfeeding was to get my focus on other things. I pursued things I had put off when my high needs daughter was born. Things I would not be able to do as easily if I had a second child on the way.
Those pursuits got me through and kept me feeling purposeful and mostly sane until I discovered I was pregnant. Distraction can be a wonderful means of increasing perseverance.
Read my post on finding purpose in motherhood here.
I wouldn’t dare tell you to enjoy your family as it is before life becomes more challenging with a new baby – it’s possible you’ve already been on the unfortunate end of comments such as that and already know how much they can hurt. But make the most of the time you have right now and try not to stress over things you can’t control.
You don’t have to be grateful that you don’t have another child on the way yet. But there are so many other things you can be grateful for in the midst of this journey. Remember not to rush past those precious moments you have with your current nursling out of eagerness for the future.
Have you been through the physical and emotional turmoil of trying to conceive while breastfeeding? Tell me about your experience in the comments! And please share this post with other mamas who are trying to conceive while breastfeeding!
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