Katie's Postpartum PTSD Story • MAMA RISSA

This story of postpartum Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) comes from my fellow mom-blogger Katie who is the creator of GeekyGifter.com – a website offering gift ideas for a variety of occasions and different types of people.

I know there are a lot of mamas out there who suffer from PTSD. I am fortunate that I am not one of them, but this also means I lack personal experience to encourage you by. This is why I am so honored that Katie is willing to share her story with both you and me.

I hope her courage and open heart will comfort and uplift your spirit as you work through your own struggles, Mama.

Katie’s Postpartum PTSD Story

The birth of my daughter was quite the event, which I will share more about in a minute, but ultimately it left me mentally scarred and with PTSD.

As I later found out from my doctor and therapist, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder or PTSD can be common in women after pregnancy. Many people relate PTSD to war, 9/11 or mass shootings but as my doctor explained – it can occur in anyone with a traumatic event especially where certain things can “trigger” a person.

My pregnancy with my daughter was normal through the first trimester well into the second. I went on trips and did my normal activities while being exhausted and hungrier than normal.

By late in my second trimester, my feet were starting to swell and I was getting nervous … it seemed a bit early for that. My doctor reassured me that as long as my hands and face didn’t swell I would be fine.

By late in my second trimester, my feet were starting to swell and I was getting nervous … it seemed a bit early for that.

One hot summer day my hands AND feet were swollen so I called the doc and they had me come in; everything was fine but said if your face swells call immediately. I went back to work and back to my life.

The next week I had an event that I was hosting at work and I was on my feet even more than usual and boy did it show. I could barely get flats on because my feet were so swollen. That Saturday after my event I woke up and before I even got out of bed I turned to my husband and asked him if my face was swollen. To this day, I will never understand how I knew to ask but he said yes and was visibly freaked out.

I jumped in the shower and he called the doctor (or I should say answering service). Once I was dressed and ready he said we aren’t waiting for them to call back we are just going in because we lived about an hour from our doctor and hospital. By the time we were about 10 minutes from the hospital, the doctor called back and said to come in.

Read about 4 frightening pregnancy moments you need to be aware of here.

When we got there we got on the baby monitor and I had to pee in what felt like a million cups. Ultimately the doc let me go home but with a 24-hour urine test. I was less than thrilled about that and I had to take it back first thing Monday morning and stop in for a blood pressure reading. Basically, the conclusion was that I would develop preeclampsia at some point but hopefully not for a while.

So Monday morning I got up super early because I had to drive an hour to the hospital and then 30 minutes back for work … ugh. My husband (who had gone to every appointment with me) didn’t go because I was just supposed to drop off the pee and then do a BP reading and head off to work. Well turning in the pee turned out to be much harder than I expected (paperwork wise) and I had bad morning sickness so carrying urine all around the hospital was not fun.

I was just supposed to drop off the pee and then do a BP reading and head off to work.

Finally, I got it where it needed to be and stopped in for my BP reading, which turned out to be pretty high. So another pee test was ordered and then they told me I needed to wait at least an hour until they had the results before I could go.

Since it was taking so long I had to loop in my work and text my husband (who was not answering). I finally get called back in and they say well we are going to admit you for 24-hour observation (which is almost always a lie) but don’t worry we have everything you need. Obviously, my annoyance has turned to panic and I am dialing my husband like crazy and he isn’t answering.

He finally answers and they admit me and stick me on the fetal monitor for pretty much the whole day. My daughter was bouncing all around in there and wouldn’t pass their tests so we had to go down for an ultrasound. This basically became our reality for the next few days. It became a routine of fetal monitor/ultrasound/break and repeat.

I was exhausted, stuck on my back (which was my most uncomfortable position) and ready to go home and even back to work. On Thursday night, I had a wonderful nurse named Katie and she gave me some tips to pass the tests the next day so I could go home. I was eager and did everything she said but also had this voice in the back of my head that said if the baby and I haven’t passed the tests all these times why would they let me go after just one pass – wouldn’t they want like two or three?

So Friday morning I got up and did everything she said and when I got out of the shower the doc was already there. She told me I wasn’t going home today no matter what and they were moving me to labor and delivery for better monitoring but not to worry I wouldn’t be having the baby today (famous last words right?).

Not to worry I wouldn’t be having the baby today (famous last words right?).

So we packed up our stuff and the nurse had me on the monitor and she just seemed so grumpy. She kept saying why isn’t the new room ready yet and was making us feel like she wanted to get rid of us. Little did I understand that things were more urgent than I thought.

Once I got moved and barely hooked up to the new monitor the baby’s heart rate dipped, just for a second, but enough to send everyone into a panic. My blood pressure skyrocketed to 180 and I was on the verge of passing out when the docs came in and said you are going in for a c-section. I asked when and then said in 30 minutes or less.

Now, that nice nurse from the night before one of her special tips was to eat a big breakfast … so I did, about an hour before all this happened. One of the things I remember so vividly about this day is the anesthesiologist yelling at the staff asking what he was supposed to do since I just ate a full breakfast an hour ago.

I think he ended up giving me a spinal tap … but I can’t be sure. Once we got to the OR I remember seeing 35+ people just staring at me waiting for their turn in our birth story.

At 12:51pm on September 21, 2018, our daughter arrived in the world weighing 1lb 15 oz at 27 weeks and 5 days gestation. She spent 112 days in the NICU and I went back to work after 3 weeks.

I never missed a day with her in the NICU and had a routine of coming to the hospital after work; parking on the same level; taking the same elevator; walking through the same doors every day. I would spend a few hours with her feeding her, changing her, cuddling her, and reading to her before heading home to repeat it all over again.

On the day she came home, I remember feeling so scared that they were going to chase after us and make her stay. Once we got out of that parking lot I had no intention of going back until her 1st birthday. We had planned to give NICU gift bags to some parents on her first birthday. I didn’t realize how much my mind had been preparing me to turn that negative routine into something positive.

On the day she came home, I remember feeling so scared that they were going to chase after us and make her stay.

Then in July 2019, we had a surprise pregnancy. While there was excitement, for me it was mostly fear. I was terrified of going through all of that again. I felt like I only survived because I didn’t know any better.

On numerous occasions, before our second pregnancy, my husband and I talked about how much scarier the whole experience would have been if it had been a second or third child.

We made an appointment with the high-risk doctors immediately and they got us in so fast. I will never forget the tears I cried as she asked me about my first pregnancy and I had to recount all the details in the same hospital where they had happened. Then she began discussing future appointments and blood work and I just became terrified.

It hadn’t even been a year since my daughter was born let alone a year since she came home. I was not prepared to go back to this hospital and make it part of my routine. At this point in the appointment, she suggested that I see a therapist to help me cope with my PTSD. She was very kind about it and reassured me that this is normal for people who go through difficult pregnancies or deliveries.

It hadn’t even been a year since my daughter was born let alone a year since she came home.

I will forever be in her debt for recommending this to me because I wouldn’t have gone to a therapist without her making it part of my pregnancy plan. Ultimately, I miscarried baby number two and while it is still extremely difficult for me to think about or talk about I was already in therapy when it happened. I was already talking to someone who had learned my story and that was so comforting. I went to my normally scheduled appointment after the miscarriage and just cried and cried in her office. And while it is still devastating it was reassuring to have a professional to talk to.

Are you mourning a miscarriage? Get my FREE Baby Remembrance Journal here.

I learned that PTSD from pregnancy is more common than you think and that many women don’t even realize they have it. While my story had to do with my daughter being in the hospital so long and not wanting to go back to this place where a lot of bad things had happened for some women it’s from not getting drugs or bad tears.

No matter what reason, it is important to find a professional to talk to and there are therapists out there that specialize in PTSD from pregnancy. For me, learning that therapists specialize in this made the commonality of it more real and easier to accept.

Whatever your story is if you think you may have PTSD – be sure to talk to your doctor about it. Mental health care is healthcare.

Fun update: my daughter is doing extremely well considering her rough start. At our last doctor’s appointment, her pediatrician said she is caught up from a growth perspective.