I love being a stay-at-home mom. I really do. But there are times when I long for the days when I worked in a law firm. Working as a legal assistant respected by my boss and coworkers, I felt productive and valued and I did not worry about my brain atrophying.
For many reasons, it is not realistic for me to go back to work right now. But just thinking about my old job put me in the mood to do office work, the results of which are posted below for your entertainment.
These are the memos I, as a stay-at-home mom, would drop in my boss’s inbox …. if she could read.
Memos of a Stay-at-Home Mom
MEMO
TO: The Boss
FROM: Your Employee
DATE: Every Day
SUBJECT: Request for Reduction of Excessive Milk Breaks
Boss:
I have noticed there has been a recent spike in the frequency of your milk breaks. This is interfering with the work progress of your employee who is required to participate in these lengthy breaks.
I understand that milk is a nutritionally beneficial and emotionally satisfying beverage for you. And I realize you need several breaks throughout your day in order to function properly at your developmental and professional level.
However, I would humbly suggest that the smooth running of the office is being compromised by your frequent interruptions. The break room is littered with dishes, your office has turned into a minefield with your projects scattered all over the floor, and my coworker’s office appears as though a tornado has gone through it.
I understand that these issues around the workplace are of little interest to you. But they affect me and I’m sure you will reap the benefits if you can avoid having a disgruntled employee serving your milk.
As such, I would like to request a reduction in the number of hours you require your employee to cater to your milk-drinking needs. I propose a limit of one twenty minute milk break every four hours.
I know this idea may strike you as ridiculously inadequate in light of your current schedule of hourly milk breaks. But I would like you to know that I have done my research.
For the average boss in your industry who is roughly the same age as you and offering similar compensation as you do to your employees, milk breaks are often only conducted every 4-6 hours or 2-3 times per day.
In light of this information, I hope you take my suggestion of reduced milk breaks into serious consideration.
END OF MEMO
/ye
MEMO
TO: The Boss
FROM: Your Employee
DATE: Sometime Within the Next Five Years
SUBJECT: Request for Vacation Time
Boss:
It has come to my attention that since the past year and a half I have been working for you, I have yet to receive a single vacation day. Although this is not unusual for a boss in your line of work, I request that you consider granting your employee a couple days of vacation at some point when it is convenient for you to hire a temporary replacement for me.
I realize this probably sounds like a highly costly venture for you since I am the only one qualified to participate in your milk breaks. But I have calculated the expense this vacation time would be to you and I can assure you it would be worth the investment.
The gross cost to you for granting me a two day vacation would be approximately 30 milk breaks in total. However, considering you have accumulated over 20 billion extra milk breaks over the past year and a half, I can confidently say that the loss to your profits would be negligible.
Additionally, your employee would return to work refreshed and ready to work harder than ever. Should you agree, I would even be willing to take this vacation without pay.
If you think this over, I’m sure you will recognize that a brief vacation for your employee (and my coworker) would be beneficial to everyone in the office.
END OF MEMO
/ye
MEMO
TO: The Boss
FROM: Your Employee
DATE: Every Day
SUBJECT: Responses to Your Requests
Boss:
Following are my responses to the requests you have reduntently made of me lately. Because you have been asking the same questions multiple times every day, I have come to realize that you are so busy with all of the responsibilities of being the boss that you can’t remember my answers to your questions.
Consequently, I have decided to type up your questions/demands with my corresponding answers for you to reference whenever you have a need.
Q: “Sit down! Sit down!”
A: I try to sit down to meaningfully collaborate with you several times per day. But sometimes I am in the middle of one of my own projects and need to finish what I am working on before helping you with your work.
Q: “What’s that?”
A: Once I answer this question for you, it is no longer necessary for you to repeat it ten additional times.
Q: “Hand! Hand! Hand!”
A: I do try not to prioritize all of my work before yours, but sometimes I need to finish an important task before I can take your hand and escort you to your office to sit down and brain storm with you.
A copy of this memo will be posted in the breakroom for you to consult whenever you consider repeating a request that has already been addressed.
END OF MEMO
/ye
MEMO
TO: The Boss
FROM: Your Employee
DATE: Yesterday
SUBJECT: Transcript of Staff Meeting
Boss:
The following is a transcript from our most recent staff meeting where you, my coworker and I were present. Please review and return to me for filing.
BOSS: What’s that?
YOUR EMPLOYEE: That’s chicken. Do you want to eat some chicken?
BOSS: What’s that?
YOUR EMPLOYEE: That’s chicken.
BOSS: What’s that?
YOUR EMPLOYEE: That’s still chicken.
BOSS: Muh-muh! Muh-muh!
COWORKER: You want some mustard?
BOSS: Mustard.
YOUR EMPLOYEE: You need to eat some food with the mustard. You can’t just eat mustard.
BOSS: What’s that?
YOUR EMPLOYEE: That’s chicken.
BOSS: What’s that?
YOUR EMPLOYEE: Chicken. Eat some chicken and then I will get you more mustard.
BOSS: Pup eat.
YOUR EMPLOYEE: Your cup wants to eat some chicken?
BOSS: Yeah.
YOUR EMPLOYEE: Are you going to eat some chicken?
BOSS: Muh-muh! Muh-muh!
At this point, you ended the staff meeting, outraged that I would not relinquish the mustard.
END OF MEMO
/ye
Job Requirements for the Position of Stay-at-Home Mom
While the office notes you just read may sound frustrating, let me make clear that being a stay-at-home mom is truly a blessing. Just the same, it may not be the right job for everyone.
If you have not yet had any experience as a stay-at-home mom, allow me to provide you with a job description to help you decide if it is the right career path for you.
The position of stay-at-home mom has some unique requirements and favors a skill set unlike that of any other job.
Candidates applying to this positron should be willing to work hard but prepared to be completely unproductive. Applicants must be willing to work overtime every day, sometimes working third shift even after working a full first and second shift.
The ideal applicant will be willing to work with a boss who demands a lot and expects you to meet his or her every need.
This position does not require a degree or prior experience. You will learn on the job. Your boss will be perfectly suited to train you on every aspect of the job.
All that is required for this job is that you do not expect monetary compensation. Your boss’s profits are not in the form of currency, and your wages will reflect this.
Although you will not receive a deposit to your bank account, rest assured that your boss will lavish you with ample pay in the form of physical affection, humorous entertainment, and sweet words that will melt your heart.
This career pays better than any other, and I don’t regret applying for and accepting this 24 /7 job for a second.
If you enjoyed this post, be sure to read my anecdotal post on what life is like with a clingy toddler.
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