Sleep training, like many areas of parenting, is a hotly debated topic among both experts and parents. There are mamas who are adamant that sleep training their babies was literally a life and sleep saver. And then there are mamas who believe sleep training is a form of child abuse.
Let me start off by stating clearly where I stand on the topic – it’s the same stance I have on many parenting topics: Every parent knows what is best for their own child.
I must admit, I get irritated when someone implies I should try to parent the same way they do. Conversely, I try to never make another parent feel as though I think they should emulate my parenting style.
It’s simply not realistic to assume that what works for one child in one family will work for another child in another family. It might … but it might not.
The same is true of sleep training. I have not yet sleep trained my 19-month-old daughter. Not because I think sleep training is wrong. But because I know without a doubt that it was the wrong choice for my daughter as a baby.
Although I confidently say “without a doubt” looking in hindsight, ever since my daughter was born I have had doubts about the unpopular ways my husband and I have chosen to meet her needs.
It’s hard to push your way through a crowd walking in the opposite direction, even when you know you are going the right direction for your family.
That’s why I feel the need to write this post. Not to bash those amazing mamas out there who choose to sleep train because it is what is best for their child. But to encourage the mamas who are struggling to swim upstream while pushing a heavy load of doubt about their decision not to sleep train.
Please note that I am not a medical professional. Nothing in this post is medical advice. Please speak with your child’s doctor about any sleep or health concerns you have.
The Pressure to Sleep Train
Before my daughter was even born, one of my co-workers told me I would need to put her on a schedule … as though that was the only acceptable way to raise a baby. I casually responded that we wouldn’t be too concerned with that at first.
And I am so very grateful I had that relaxed mindset. I had no idea at that time what lay ahead of me with a reflux baby who wanted to nurse constantly and would not stay asleep unless she was held.
Read about why I chose not to medicate my daughter’s reflux here.
This situation led to the necessity of co-sleeping. I ended up holding my daughter while I slept in a Lay-Z-Boy recliner for all of her nighttime and naptime sleep for the first year of her life.
Fortunately for my uncomfortable baby, I was determined to meet her needs in the way that I instinctively felt was best despite social pressures.
But the pressure is real and it’s intimidating.
According to parenting expert Sarah Ockwell-Smith, almost half of 600 moms in a study she conducted admitted to lying to a health professional about the fact that they had bed-shared with their infant.
I completely understand why some moms lie about their child’s sleeping habits, whether it’s co-sleeping or letting the baby sleep on his tummy. It’s a scary thing to go against medical advice in the first place, but it’s even scarier to admit to a pediatrician that you have done so.
I didn’t decide to “bed-share” with my baby; it became a necessity for either of us to get any sleep. And I don’t regret going that route instead of waiting to see how long my baby would cry and choke before falling asleep.
There are 15 important questions you need to ask yourself before making a decision about sleep training! Get access to these printable questions by entering your email address here.
The natural result of this circumstance is that my 19-month-old toddler still sleeps with me, nursing throughout the night.
I realize this is a strange thing for many people, but I know we have both gotten far more sleep than we would have if I had tried to fight my daughter’s need to nurse and be close to me during sleep.
Social pressures might say I have enabled her to be clingy and overly attached to me. However, the evidence in my daughter’s life does not indicate this.
I did not leave her in our church nursery until she was about 14 months old because of her intense separation anxiety. Even then, half the time I was called back 10 minutes into the service.
But as she has gotten older and as I have continued to gently ease her into being separated from me for a couple of hours at a time, she has blossomed into a social butterfly who can hardly wait to play with other kids and toys in the nursery twice a week.
She is still very attached to her milk. But she is nowhere near as needy as she used to be. On the contrary, she has come out of her shell.
But the road to get to this point has been rough at times. What made it harder was knowing that the way I was meeting her needs and allowing her to sleep attached to my boob was not socially acceptable.
However, despite what “people” may say about a mama’s choice not to sleep train, there are times when it is simply not in the child’s best interest.
Why Sleep Training Isn’t Right for Every Child
There are several reasons why sleep training is not right for every child. Every child is unique and has unique needs, abilities, and health conditions.
- Your Child’s Genes May be Working Against Him
One simple reason sleep training might not be right for your child is because it just doesn’t work for some children.
A Canadian study comparing the similarity of sleep patterns in fraternal and identical twins found that genetics play a substantial role in whether or not a child can “sleep through the night.” This may come as little surprise to parents of multiple children who can attest to major differences in sleep behaviors and abilities in their children even as infants.
How well your child responds to sleep training is not entirely under your control. Some parents work at sleep training diligently only to have it fail.
If you’re baby doesn’t seem ready and you are trying to sleep train anyway, you may be sabotaging your efforts before you even begin.
- Your Child Might Have a Health Condition
There are some health conditions your child may have that interfere with her ability to sleep well. If your child is struggling to fall and/or stay asleep, look for signs of any underlying conditions before trying to sleep train.
Alaska Sleep Education Center lists infection, acid reflux/GERD, food allergies, and sleep apnea as possible obstacles to babies’ sleep which require treatment.
If your child shows signs of discomfort or problems during sleep or is excessively tired during wake times, seek a doctor’s advice to see if your child has a medical condition that needs to be dealt with before sleep training should even be attempted.
- Your Child May Be Sensitive or “High Needs”
Does your child just seem to need you more than other babies need their mamas? As in, you can barely set him down to use the restroom without hearing his frantic cries of abandonment making you feel guilty for having a full bladder?
Sensitive – or what are called “high needs” babies – need constant comfort and want to be close to their mothers most of the time. Consequently, they often do not want to be set down while sleeping and will wake up easily if they are not in the comforting and warm embrace of mommy.
If your child has an intense need to be near you, he may not benefit from sleep training and may only become more clingy as a result of forced separation.
Huff Post has a great anecdotal article about what it’s like to have a high needs baby. If you are trying to figure out what having a high needs baby means, this article will help you know if that is what you are dealing with.
- Mama Might Not Want to Give Up the Snuggles
Finally, if you are feeling pressured to sleep train your baby but you just don’t want to give up the extra snuggle time, then don’t. The only real reason to sleep train is if you are unhappy with your baby’s current sleep situation.
Some people don’t sleep train because their baby can’t handle it; others don’t sleep train because they just don’t want to. And still many others sleep train their children at various ages. Figure out what you want, what works for your baby, and what works for you and then do that … not what another mom did.
My Failed Attempt to Sleep Train
My main reasons for not sleep training my daughter stem from her reflux and her sensitive nature. I honestly don’t know how I would feel about it with a different child with different needs, because meeting my own daughter’s needs is the only experience I have had.
I have had a few short-lived attempts at sleep training my daughter which were born mostly out of frustration during certain difficult periods.
I do not recommend deciding to sleep train in the midst of a frustrating moment or period of time without something substantial backing up your decision.
The reason is because once your frustration passes, you won’t have the willpower to continue on with your strategy of it’s not going well. And then you just end up feeling horrible for putting your baby through something difficult without any benefit.
The most serious attempt I made to sleep train my daughter was when she was 7 months old and I tried to get her to sleep without nursing. I began trying to bounce and sing her to sleep without nursing, and then I would continue to hold her white she slept.
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I kept it up for several days, but it was rough, and I ended it when my daughter began responding worse than when we started.
The biggest problem was, I could usually get her to sleep by bouncing her (although she usually cried), but she would wake up after 20-40 minutes screaming in greater distress than when she fell asleep – even though I was still holding her and would try to bounce her back to sleep.
Partially because of her reflux, I was not willing to risk that she might be in pain by pushing her past her obvious limits.
Whether it was mostly a result of her reflux or partly just her sensitive nature, it was clear to me that sleep training was not right for my baby at that time. I also do not believe it would have even been effective no matter how long I had tried to push her beyond her limits.
Mama Knows Best
As you question what to do about your child’s sleep, I hope you follow your instincts above expert advice and the pressures family and friends may put on you.
There is a lot of good information out there, and there is great advice to be had from more experienced moms. But only you know what is truly best for your child.
So what did you decide to do about sleep training, Mama? Tell me your experience in the comments!
Be sure to share this post to help other mamas who are navigating baby sleep issues!
Check out this post to find out how my daughter ultimately started sleeing on her own without sleep-training!
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