Why Your Baby Will Only Sleep When Held

I cannot count how many times I looked up “why my baby will only sleep when held” those first many months of my daughter’s life. From the time she was only days old, it was extremely rare that I could lay my sleeping baby down without her waking within 20 minutes, 5 minutes or instantly.

If you are desperately seeking the answer as to why your baby will only sleep when held, let me start off with some encouraging words: This is not abnormal, Mama.

As a first time mom, when my newborn would not stay asleep unless I was holding (and usually, nursing) her, I was confused, wondering what could be wrong. I had not read anything about this being the way babies sleep while I was researching during pregnancy.

Get ideas for how to be more productive while nursing right here!

A lot of the information I found or was given about my daughter’s sleep situation wasn’t helpful. But as time went on, I came to understand and accept that this was just a need my daughter needed me to fill for her and it didn’t really matter if it sounded acceptable to other people.

But if you are new to the world of motherhood – or just new to the experience of having a baby who demands your arms be her bed – this can be a stressful situation. I know how draining it is to wonder why your baby will only sleep when held … And if it will ever end.

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There are several possible reasons your baby will only sleep when held, and we’re going to discuss some of them below.

However, in addition to doing your own research, please be sure to talk to your child’s doctor about her sleep. I am not a medical professional and nothing in this post replaces medical advice.

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Reasons Why Your Baby Will Only Sleep When Held

Comfort

You may have read by now that the first few months postpartum are basically a “fourth trimester” of pregnancy for both you and your baby.

For your baby, being evicted from his comfy, cozy, warm and comforting home of the past nine months is a big transition. And as for you, Mama, you might feel as though you are just as constantly attached to your little one as you were during pregnancy.

Find out 10 things you can easily do postpartum here!

Despite the fact that some parents are blessed with amazing sleepers who sleep through the night at 3 weeks old, it is not abnormal or bad if your baby still seeks the comfort of being close to mommy in order to sleep during those first few months.

From what I’ve heard from other parents, babies often outgrow this need with a little time. Just remember how new this big world is to your tiny baby. Exciting though it may be during play time, some newborns need the extra security of being held close while snoozing.

Acid Reflux

If your baby ever spits up, you have most likely been told by his doctor that this is normal and most babies have some level of acid reflux due to their underdeveloped lower esophageal sphincter (LES).

The LES is a band of muscle that is supposed to close to prevent milk from sloshing back out of the tummy. However, newborns frequently experience the trials of milk traveling back up the esophagus, into the throat and out the mouth.

Note that in the case of silent reflux, milk is re-swallowed before it can result in spit-up. Because of this, it’s important to look for other signs of reflux beyond just spit-up, such as feeding struggles, arching of the back, general discomfort, excessive gas, and aversion to being laid on the back.

Another sign of acid reflux is that your baby refuses to be put down and may even insist on being held upright from a very young age. Hence, the need to be held, often up on mama’s shoulder, during sleep.

If your baby is diagnosed with acid reflux, read my post on why I chose not to medicate my reflux baby before automatically turning to medicine. Also check out the real causes of infant acid reflux.

To read more about my personal journey with infant acid reflux, read this post. And if you’re about to go crazy being stuck at home with a baby who hates his car seat due to reflux, get some encouragement by reading this post.

In case you can’t tell, I’ve spent a lot of time and focus on the infant acid reflux issue. That is becasue it was our constant companion for that first year plus of my daughter’s life. Fortunately, it is much less severe and hindering for her now at age two.

But I remember well the days when I often had to walk or bounce my daughter while simultaneously nursing her in order for her to be able to fall and stay asleep. Forget about laying her down!

In short, infant acid reflux is a common reason baby will only sleep when held. If you suspect your child may be struggling with this, talk to a doctor, research and try to find the root cause if possible. In the meantime, do not attempt any form of sleep training.

Read why sleep training is not right for every child here.

High Needs

What is a high needs baby, you may ask? Well, if you have a baby who will not tolerate being put down – asleep or awake – has severe separation anxiety constantly, and has very particular needs and desires, she may be high needs.

A high needs baby is exactly what it sounds like: A baby with a lot of needs. And one of those needs is often to snuggle with mama during sleep. Therefore, often a high needs baby will only sleep when held.

But remember that a newborn who needs to be held during sleep does not equal a high needs baby. There are a lot of babies who are not high needs but still need to be held for sleep for a period of time.

You will know that you have a high needs baby as time goes on and your child seems to need you constantly. You will know it by how distressed your baby is in situations most babies enjoy.

You will know it by the guilt you have when setting your baby down to cry over your abandonment while you take a long-overdue bathroom break.

And you will know it by your baby’s general need to be close to you at all times.

Please understand that this is okay. And it is okay and good and right to meet your baby’s needs to the best of your ability. You do not need to be trying to train your baby not to need you at this age. You need to meet her need so that she will feel safe and secure and eventually won’t need you so much.

Read my anecdotal post on life with a clingy toddler here.

I know it is not always easy to feel like you can never be separated from your baby, even during sleep. It can be exhausting.

You might face a lot of social pressure not to “spoil” your child. You might be told you are creating bad habits by rocking, walking, bouncing or nursing your little one to sleep … and back to sleep over and over.

But your infant will not be ruined by having her unique needs met. A high needs baby is not any more self-centric than any other baby. She simply has more particular – but genuine – needs.

Combination of Factors

For my baby, her inability to sleep on her own has followed us into toddlerhood, and now I feel I have a better understanding of this need my daughter continues to have.

I believe there were and still are a combination of factors necessitating my assistance in getting and keeping her asleep. I definitely feel that her reflux has played a large part, but I also think she just needs that security during this stage of her young little life

So as you question why your baby will only sleep when held, remember that the magical answer you are looking for may not be straightforward or simple. In fact, you may not find an answer at all right now.

But that’s okay. Right now, the only thing you have to know in order to care for your little one is this: When your baby has a need, it is okay and healthy to meet it in the best way for your child and family.

What to Do When Baby Will Only Sleep When Held

I wanted to write this post on why your baby will only sleep when held because I am now a slightly more confident toddler mom looking back on my decisions from when my daughter was a baby.

After successfully surviving babyhood and getting to know the little person who used to be that baby on a deeper level, I can tell you without a doubt that, overall, I handled her sleep needs in the best possible way for her.

But I didn’t feel that same confidence back then, and I suspect you are feeling a little wobbly in your decisions right now too, Mama. Trust me when I say you need to trust your gut when it comes to your baby. Even if you don’t fully understand it right now.

So what should you do when your baby will only sleep when held? You should do whatever your gut tells you is best for your baby, regardless of other people’s opinions.

Answers to Common Questions

Will My Baby Develop Bad Sleep Habits If I Hold Him?

The short answer to this is, possibly. Your baby may become indefinitely reliant on you for sleep if you are not able to get him to start sleeping on his own. But whether or not this is a problem depends on your individual situation and perspective.

It may be unrealistic for you to continue to be your child’s sleep prop due to work obligations or other children you must care for.

If, however, you are able to meet this need for your baby and your only reason for hesitation is other people’s admonishions that you are encouraging bad sleep habits, take a moment to consider your own parenting values. Ask yourself what a “bad” habit really is.

The Free Dictionary defines a bad habit as “a patterned behaviour regarded as detrimental to one’s physical or mental health, which is often linked to a lack of self-control.”

Wikipedia simply says a bad habit “is a negative behaviour pattern.”

With these definitions in mind, is it a bad habit when a baby can only sleep with a pacifier? Is it a bad habit when a baby can only sleep in a car or a swing?

Is it a bad habit when a child can only sleep with a favorite toy or blanket? Is it a bad habit that I can’t sleep without a blanket at least partially covering me no matter how hot I am?

The fact is, having a sleep prop (something a child requires in order to fall and stay asleep) is not a bad habit. Even adults have sleep props. Have you ever thought about why you don’t sleep as well when you’re away from home? It’s because all of your sleep props are missing!

The only reason holding your baby during sleep should be considered a bad habit is if it is causing other problems for your baby.

How Can I Safely Sleep With My Baby?

This is a question you may be asking yourself but afraid to voice out loud. Co-sleeping is one of those areas parents are shamed away from by healthcare professionals and safety guidelines, so you may be reluctant to admit you are even thinking about it.

But there are many mamas who successfully and safely co-sleep with their babies. I am amazed how many parents co-sleep with their babies and children, actually. It’s the most natural thing in the world for a lot of people.

And it doesn’t have to be dangerous. You just have to follow some simple rules to ensure your baby’s safety during sleep:

• Keep bedding (blankets, sheets, pillows, etc.) away from your baby
• Keep any long strings, necklaces, hair or other strangulating items away from baby
• Keep your spouse and other children away from baby
• Keep baby away from the edge of the bed, the wall or any person or object that could roll onto, trap or suffocate baby

Personally, I was not comfortable trying to sleep with my baby in bed. Those first couple of months of sleep deprivation, I slept way too deep to be trusted not to roll onto my tiny baby in my unconscious state.

But I had to get some sleep. So I slept in a La-Z-Boy recliner holding my baby on this buckling nursing pillow. Both the recliner and the nursing pillow saved my life that first year of motherhood.

While I am not recommending you sleep this way with your baby, I felt this sleep position was much safer for us because I could not roll onto her this way. It also would have been very difficult for her to roll off thanks to my nursing pillow.

I always made sure I didn’t have any lose clothing by her face. I securely locked my arms around her, making sure her body and face were pointed up before I went to sleep each night.

This worked well for us until she reached a year old and became too big and too active during sleep to continue sleeping in a chair. At this point, we transitioned to a mattress on the floor since she rolls off frequently.

When Will My Baby Start Sleeping on Her Own?

If your baby does not have any underlying conditions and is not a high needs child, she will quite possibly start staying asleep when you lay her down after those first 2 or 3 months.

I kept waiting for my daughter to progress to this point because I had heard and read that this was the case for so many other mamas.

However, if this does not automatically happen sometime within those first 6 months of your baby’s life, your little one may have a deeper sleep problem or need going on.

How Do I get My Baby to Start Sleeping on Her Own?

While there are a lot of tips, tricks and products you can try, there is no easy answer to this question. Each baby is unique and has his own reason for wanting to be swaddled in mommy’s arms during slumber.

When my daughter was a tiny baby, I found so many recommended techniques online that sounded like ridiculously and unrealistically simplistic solutions to my dilemma. Even though I soon discovered what a relatively common situation I was in, no one else seemed to be facing quite the same scenario as me.

I read advice on mom forums recommending laying the sleeping baby down with the shirt mom had been wearing so that her smell would comfort the baby.

Right, so what will keep my baby asleep during the apparently rousing transition from my arms to the crib or even as I unlatch her? I couldn’t even gently transfer her to my husband without her waking up.

I heard from other moms what a miraculous life-saver swaddling was for them. This just didn’t work for us. Maybe I’m overprotective, but I could not sleep when I could see the material gradually rising up to her face.

We tried several different swaddles/blankets with the same result. And considering it didn’t usually seem to be keeping her asleep any better anyway, I eventually gave up on swaddling.

When I questioned my baby’s doctor about her sleep preferences, he assured me this was nothing to worry about and only a phase. I was told I had a choice about if and when I wanted to sleep train.

Again, this was an overly simple answer to a complex problem. My daughter could not be gently sleep-trained and I was not willing to push her past her limits. And she was not outgrowing her need to be held during sleep.

So how do you convince a baby who will only sleep when held to sleep on her own? To be honest, there is no one answer. Every baby is a unique little human and will require unique solutions to unique problems.

The Only Thing That Works for Some Babies

My personal experience is that sometimes the only way your baby will sleep on her own is with lots of patience. My daughter is two and after a recent traumatic fail at sleep training, she still is not ready to sleep without me.

Even now, as I reminiscently glance through articles about how to teach your baby to sleep on his own, I am torn between the urge to laugh and a rush of frustration. Whoever is writing the advice that’s online obviously never met a baby like mine.

So I’ll give you the advice most other people will not: If nothing is working, your baby may simply require more time.

This may not be what you want to hear, Mama. I didn’t want to hear it when my daughter was a baby either. But you know what? Today, I am so very grateful I have had the privilege of being such a powerful source of security for my child.

Being an irreplaceable part of your baby’s sleep may not always feel fun, and you may not like the idea right now of this dragging on for years. But experiences with your child tend fo take on new and stronger meaning as you watch him grow before your eyes.

Before you know it, you’ll realize it’s true what they say – this is only a brief stage with your child and you’re going to miss it one day.

To find out how my daughter finally learned how to sleep on her own, check out my post on What Will Happen if You Don’t Sleep-Train Your Baby.