“We are just thankful the baby is healthy,” is the famous line every parent says when asked about their preference of gender during pregnancy. But gender disappointment is a reality many couples face during one or more pregnancies.
What most couples probably don’t expect is to feel gender disappointment in a pregnancy after loss. But regardless of how grateful you are to have a successful pregnancy after experiencing pregnancy loss, gender disappointment can still be a real struggle.
Enter: Guilt. Major mama guilt.
Because if you have a successful pregnancy after one or several failed pregnancies, you should just be grateful to have a healthy child growing in your womb, right? You might be wondering what kind of mom would feel disappointed during a pregnancy she has longed for through the heartbreak of loss.
Me. That would be me. I’m that kind of mom.
So if you are experiencing gender disappointment in a pregnancy after loss, you are in good company. I know this topic sounds awful and you are probably feeling awful about it, so let’s dig a little deeper and get to the root of this pain you are now carrying in addition to your grief over prior loss(es).
Please note that I am not a medical professional and nothing in this post should be taken as medical advice. Please speak with your doctor about any concerns you have regarding your pregnancy or your physical or mental health.
Hey Mama, if you find my blog posts helpful, would you help support this blog by making purchases through product links on this page? It will not cost you any extra but the commissions I receive as an Amazon and brand affiliate help to cover the costs of operating this blog so that I can keep it running ad-free. Thank you so much for your support. You are literally the reason this blog was started and the fuel that motivates me to keep it going!
Gender Disappointment in Pregnancy After Loss
First of all, pregnancy after loss is already hard enough. It can involve a lot of anxiety, fear, stress, grief, depression, sorrow and the list goes on. So please, Mama, be gentle with yourself. Trust me, I’ve been there. This is a hard season and you will get through it, but take care of yourself in the meantime.
Pregnancy after loss is also a time that can be very isolating, so please seek out help if you need it. And if you need some help finding resources, I have some for you right here:
If you feel misunderstood or alone in your pregnancy after loss and you need some encouragement from a Biblical perspective and a raw and honest mom, you need to read Jenny Albers’ book mentioned in the resources, “Courageously Expecting: 30 Days of Encouragement for Pregnancy After Loss“.
Jenny has a Christian perspective but she is real and vulnerable about the intense challenges of pregnancy after loss. She will tell you the good, the bad and the ugly and you will feel like she’s inside your head. Trust me, you need to read this book.
I wish I had read it during my pregnancy after loss. I read it later on and it was still helpful to me on my healing journey.
I also highly recommend you enter your email a the bottom of the page to get free access to my Pregnancy After Loss Affirmations From the Bible. I found it difficult during my pregnancy after recurrent loss to read large chunks of scripture and even harder to find pregnancy affirmations I felt applied to my situation.
And that is why I eventually made my own affirmations for the sake of other pregnant-after-loss mamas having the same struggle. So please take advantage of this and let me know if it is helpful for you. I welcome feedback!
Now, let me share with you what I have learned about gender disappointment in pregnancy after loss.
1. Gender Disappointment is Not Baby Disappointment
The first thing we need to clarify is what you are actually feeling. You are disappointed in the gender of your baby. This does not mean that you don’t love your baby. It does not even mean that you are disappointed with your baby!
Gender disappointment is not a reflection on how you feel about your unborn child. Rather, it is the expression of a hope or dream that has not been realized. This does not have to be tied to your feelings about having a healthy pregnancy.
When I found out I was having a second daughter, I was pretty disappointed to not be having a son. But at the same time, I was not at all upset about having another girl! On the contrary, I was excited my older daughter would have a life-long best friend in her little sister.
You need to remember that being disappointed to not get something you wanted is not equal to being disappointed with what you have. You can be disappointed about a loss and grateful for a gain at the same time.
Which brings me to my next point.
2. Gender Disappointment is Another Loss
Contrary to what most people might think, I actually believe that gender disappointment is even more intense and harder for women going through pregnancy after loss. And while this may sound strange to the outside world, it makes sense to me.
You have already endured the loss of at least one of the dreams you had for your family: The baby before this one who did not make it. And now, you have just been told that another dream you had for your family is not going to happen. You will not be getting the son or daughter you hoped to have.
For me, this loss was amplified and solidified by my previous pregnancy losses. I used to plan on having a minimum of three children, and I very much wanted at least one of each gender. But by the time I had gone through a total of four miscarriages (three consecutive between my two girls), I decided I was ready to be done with the pain and grief of pregnancy and loss.
So during my pregnancy after recurrent loss, I was hoping to get the opportunity to raise a son along with the experience I was already getting of raising a daughter. So while finding out we were having another girl was not at all a sad thing, the knowledge that we would not get the chance to have a son was quite a blow to my heart.
As you work through your own gender disappointment, remember, you are not grieving the child you do have … you are grieving the one you will not get to have.
3. Gender Disappointment Might Not End with Birth
Another thing you need to know about gender disappointment is that it might not go away after you have your baby. Because, as we have already discussed, you are not disappointed in the baby you are carrying. You are disappointed to be experiencing another loss.
Depending on whether or not you have more children and what genders they end up being, you may always feel that loss on some level. But I’ll remind you again, this sense of disappointment and loss are not about your successful pregnancy.
These feelings are about other pregnancies that did not work out. They are about pregnancies that might never happen. They are about the holes in your family that already existed before this healthy baby was even growing in you.
One of the things that is hardest for me about the fact that we don’t have a son is knowing that one of the babies I miscarried may have been a boy. I wish I could have all of my children on earth with me, in my arms.
Don’t forget to be gentle with yourself on this topic, Mama. It’s okay to be disappointed in what you have lost and what you may never have. Always remember that the baby you carry now is not the source or recipient of your disappointment.
Your Family is Bigger than the Disappointment
Whatever your family looks like in the end, it will be precious and it will be priceless. Yes, it will have holes. But it will be beautiful. And the joy of motherhood will be much bigger than the gender disappointment you are feeling in this moment.
My second daughter is currently 17 months old. Of course, I still have gender disappointment about the boy I will never have. But it has absolutely nothing to do with my daughter. She is the perfect addition to our family.
I cannot even tell you how much I love having two daughters. I cannot express my joy over the fact that those two sweet sisters will always have each other for a best friend the way my sister and I always have.
Our family will always have holes in it that the rest of the world, for the most part, cannot see. But our family is so much bigger and fuller than any disappointment I have had over unmet dreams.
You will get to that place of assurance too, Mama. In the meantime, take it easy and use some of the resources listed above to get some support for yourself. as you go through this pregnancy after loss. There is a whole world of women out there who understand you better than you realize.
Love and hugs to you, Mama.
If you have found this article helpful, would you please share it via the social share buttons below?
P.S. If you are a having a girl and your husband is having a hard time with that, I’ve had experience with that too. Check out my post on how to get your husband excited about having a baby girl.
Leave a Reply