How to Process Miscarriage Grief and Preserve Baby’s Memory – From Mamas Who’ve Been There

October is pregnancy and infant loss awareness month. But for those trying to process miscarriage grief, that awareness is present every single day.

I have asked mamas of miscarried babies to share what has helped them grieve and remember their children. This is not an easy question to answer and there are no right or wrong answers.

But perhaps you will be comforted by their words of experience quoted below as you work to process your own miscarriage grief.

Diving so deeply into this topic recently has left me emotionally drained. But I have been thrilled to find that more and more moms are sharing their miscarriage experiences publicly.

I believe the more we share this burden of trying to process miscarriage grief, the lighter it will be.

My own miscarriage 2 1/2 years ago (read my story here) has left me desperately clinging to the cherished memories I have of the short time my baby was growing inside me.

The complexity involved in trying to process miscarriage grief and my desire to preserve the memory of my baby’s life inspired me to create a Baby Remembrance Journal for you. This 8 page printable journal has prompting statements followed by lines to write on in order to guide you on how to journal your grief.

Sometimes, we just don’t know what to say about the turmoil going on in our broken hearts. In designing this journal, it was one of my goals to make it a little easier to express your grief.

It was also important to me that this journal provide some positive feelings for you to remember your baby’s sweet little life by.

If you are struggling to figure out what to say or write about your miscarriage experience, please try using this journal – and please let me know if and how it helps you.

To get my FREE Baby Remembrance Journal, click here to enter your email address (I will not spam you) and you will be sent an email with a password to access it.

Mamas Who’ve Been There Share What Helped Them Process Miscarriage Grief

These 3 women are at varying stages of processing their miscarriage grief. I am so grateful for each of them being willing to open up and share about their grief for your benefit.

Here is what they had to say about how they process miscarriage grief and preserve their babies’ memories …

Journaling

Jeri Delgado, co-creater of Datona Beach Mom, found that journaling helped her process miscarriage grief as well as honor the life of her child.

“Dealing with the grief of miscarriage is something I continue to deal with. The grief attached with miscarriage, just like any other form of grief, is not something that is ever cleanly dealt with. Journaling helped me in the worst moments of grief as it allowed me to explore what I was feeling, eventually leading to acceptance. I dedicated time as needed to journaling about the little one I carried but could never hold. If I needed someone to understand what I was going through, I shared with them certain pages of my journal. This helped those close to me understand my experience and offer support without me having to explain myself. That journal continues to serve as a remembrance to the child I lost. “

I love Jeri’s idea of sharing pages of her journal as a way of making it easier to explain her grief to her loved ones. I can relate to having difficulty expressing my emotions to others while I was trying to process miscarriage grief. I’m sure you can too.

Naming the Baby

Britta Roberts, mom blogger at Home Sweet Home Maker, says naming her baby was one way for her to process miscarriage grief.

“I miscarried my baby on September 29th of this year. What was honestly the most shocking to me was how strange the grief is. You’ve never met this little human, yet even with an early loss, it rips you apart from the deepest part of your soul.

… It has definitely helped me to have a name for my child. Though my husband thinks it’s weird, I have chosen a name for that baby that I can keep in my heart. I also took the opportunity to write out my entire experience. It helped me to process my emotions about the whole thing.”

I was just reading a Facebook post the other day about a mom who was questioning of it was weird that she did not name her miscarried baby.

The range of responses showed clearly that we all process miscarriage grief in our own way. This is part of our beautiful uniqueness as humans and as mothers.

Some moms give their miscarried children regular names and some moms even reuse those names for living children. Some moms use pet names or endearments, and still others do not feel a desire or need to name their baby at all.

You need to do whatever helps you and whatever works for you.

Realizing it Wasn’t Meant To Be

Britta also realized accepting that her child was not meant to be born on this earth facilitated her grieving.

“What has helped me more than anything, though it’s only been a short time since my loss, was remembering that it wasn’t meant to be. At first I got very caught up in jealousy over people I knew who were due at the same time. One evening I totally broke from an innocent facebook ad. It was a t-shirt that said something about having a pumpkin growing in my belly. For some reason it hit a really sore spot in my gut because I had been so excited to have a fall pregnancy. 

I realized that I could spend the rest of my life thinking, “My child would have been the same age as that little kid”… or “I would have been x months pregnant today”… or “My baby would be here right now if I hadn’t miscarried.” But the truth is that he/she wouldn’t. That baby wasn’t meant to be here for whatever reason, and i won’t know until I get to heaven.” 

This can be a hard concept to accept, especially if you are struggling with any guilt about the miscarriage (as many women do). But ultimately, every life has a set beginning and end.

Telling yourself your baby would be here “if only” a certain thing hadn’t happened or you had done something differently is a lie in most cases.

Keep in mind that most miscarriages are the result of genetic defects or other unknown causes which no one can control.

Being Thankful for What You Have

Another way in which Britta deals with her grief is by accepting the loss of miscarriage while keeping her focus on what she still has.

“It helps to remind myself that I will never “get over it”. I lost a child and that heartache will always be somewhere deep inside. But I can move forward knowing that I didn’t do anything to cause it and I can’t do anything to change what happened. God knows my future and I take immense comfort in that. Today I will be thankful for what I DO have and take the opportunity to love the ones I have been given instead of pining after the one that I don’t have. Enjoying the present, as well as looking forward to the plans God has for my future, is what is keeping my heart still.”

It is so important to allow yourself to continue to process miscarriage grief. In all honesty, the grief doesn’t end with time or the presence of other children.

Yet, remembering all that you have been given can significantly improve your outlook on life, even as you process miscarriage grief.

Recognizing the Lessons to be Learned

Amy Wolf says she found healing in the powerful and life-changing lessons she learned from the process of grieving her miscarriages. She also keeps the memory of her children close to her heart in expectation of seeing them again one day in heaven.

“I have had 3 miscarriages & the last one was a set of twins. We were heartbroken as we had hopes & dreams for those sweet babies but also of being parents.

I truly believe the Lord drew me to true saving faith in Jesus Christ by calling our first baby home to heaven as I was not a believer. Without true saving faith, I would have no hope of seeing my child one day in heaven. 

The Lord showed me that through two more losses even a life carried for such a short time had meaning & purpose. Its not how short or long that life was but that my son or daughter was made in the image of God & for His glory. 

I do so long for the day when I will meet my children face to face. These precious souls will always be part of our family; they just went on to heaven ahead of me & are there ready to welcome me home!”

I could not agree more with Amy that miscarried babies have a purpose and often teach us the unmistakable value of every single life.

Those precious little babies we carried for such a short time were not capable of doing anything to try to earn their worth. And yet, we know they were absolutely priceless.

Just like you, Mama. You were that tiny baby in the womb at one time who was loved despite who you would or would not become.

And I have amazing news for you: The value of a life does not change like currency. You are still priceless.

My Best Advice for Trying to Process Miscarriage Grief

The emotions involved in grieving miscarriage can become overwhelming. It’s hard and extra painful to do it alone.

Here is my biggest piece of advice: Talk to someone you trust.

If you don’t have anyone in mind you feel you can talk to openly, honestly and whenever you need to, join a support group (online if not in person) or email me! I would love to be your listening ear.

I know this is tough and painful and confusing. But you are not alone. Reach out and you will find so much empathy and understanding from your fellow mamas.

How have you dealt with miscarriage grief and preserving your baby’s memory? Let’s share our experiences in the comments!

If you are wondering about “trying again” after losing a baby, read my post on Trying to Conceive After Miscarriage.