Trying to Conceive After Miscarriage

If you have lost a baby (or several) to miscarriage, I am so sorry. It is a difficult journey to walk, and sometimes you just want to fast-forward your life so you can be past this pain already. Especially when you are trying to conceive after miscarriage.

Many women ache to fill their empty womb with the life of another child to ease the loss they have suffered. While this will not replace your miscarried child, it will, at least, fulfill the need to feel pregnant again.

The thought of being able to rejoice over a new life sounds like it will take away your sadness and restore your hope of having a baby.

And It may. But there are a lot of emotions and conflicting thoughts to contend with as you begin trying to conceive another baby.

Trying to get pregnant is different for everyone. I know women who have gotten pregnant extremely easily and quickly after a miscarriage. And I know women who have been unable to conceive for a long time after a miscarriage.

For me, it took three active tries to get pregnant with my daughter after my miscarriage. But there was a lot of hormonal drama and emotional struggles that drew that out over a period of six months from miscarriage to conception.

You can read my full miscarriage story here. And if you need an extra dose of hope, you can read the birth story of my rainbow baby here.

But other than reading other women’s stories of loss and hope, it can be helpful to know what is normal to experience as you try to conceive after miscarriage. Here are some honest truths you need to know.

Intimacy May be Difficult

Some women feel guilty for wanting intimacy after miscarrying. Others have no interest in intimacy despite a desire to be pregnant again.

Intimacy is comforting for us women. But it is also the means by which your miscarried child was created, which can make it a painful reminder of what you have lost.

You do not need to be ashamed of however you are feeling about this sensitive area of your relationship with your spouse. Keep communication open and explain your struggles to him so that you can work through it together.

But also try to be understanding of the fact that he may not “get it.” Different men experience and grieve miscarriage differently. But whatever emotions your spouse has and however he deals with them, it most likely will not look the same as how you grieve as a mama.

Although my husband was very kind and patient with the emotional hurdles I had as we tried to get pregnant again, he did not struggle like I did.

In fact, he did not even fully enter the grieving process until I was halfway through my pregnancy with our daughter (you can read more on that in my miscarriage story).

But once my husband finally felt the full force of our loss, it brought us closer together. Because now we can share the grief and understand how each other is feeling when the topic of our first baby comes up.

Even if your husband doesn’t understand the difficulty you are having dealing with your loss, it’s important to tell him how you are feeling. Because someday, he may be feeling the same way.

Time Does Not Heal All Wounds

Every woman grieves her loss in her own way. You may feel that you need time to fully grieve before you’re ready to try for another baby.

On the other hand, many women want to try again right away but are discouraged from doing so by well-meaning family and friends. Some people emphasize that it is important to give yourself plenty of time to mourn before trying to conceive after miscarriage.

If you feel you need time, by all means, take the time you need to work through your loss. Get a counselor if you need one. Or talk to a friend you trust or another mama who has lost a baby (regardless of how long you do or don’t wait, having someone to talk to about your grief is essential).

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But if you feel ready and your doctor has given you the okay, go ahead and try again as soon as you want. You are not disregarding the life of your previous child by trying for another one a few weeks later.

Let me just share something with you: You will always be grieving the loss of your child . And sometimes, forcing yourself to wait when you feel ready to try again just multiplies your grief.

I have my healthy, beautiful, 16-month-old rainbow baby (for whom I am incredibly grateful). Yet I still feel melancholy every year around the time I lost my first baby. I still have hard days feeling like my first baby should be here too (read the post I wrote on one of these hard days here).

Time does not take away the loss. So waiting for grief to end is not really realistic.

If you feel ready but are waiting simply because you believe you “should,” you may end up feeling worse as time goes on because, in addition to missing your previous child, you are trying to suppress your longing to be pregnant. A longing which only escalates when you see your friends on Facebook posting pregnancy announcements and pictures.

Do whatever is best for your family.

The Ovulation Countdown is Slower than Ever

Many women know how difficult and emotional it can be to try to conceive. Even without the hormones and emotions of a miscarriage in the mix.

First, watching and waiting for ovulation is stressful because you don’t want to miss it. You’ve only got one shot each month, right?

And then making sure you “catch” every possible fertile day can be tricky due to conflicting schedules and moods with your spouse.

And then … You wait. For two whole weeks. All the while, you are experiencing every pregnancy symptom under the moon. Certain your boobs have never been this sore and you’ve never been this nauseous outside of pregnancy, you become convinced that you are with child.

You are so sure of this, you even begin planning how to tell your husband that you are expecting. And then you take a pregnancy test that comes out negative. And then you start your period.

And now – still reeling from the emotional rollercoaster of carefully monitoring your last cycle – you have another two weeks of waiting and watching for ovulation signs ahead of you.

Oh, Mama. I am so sorry for this painful time you are going through. I remember well the heartbreak of “failed” attempts to conceive. It hurts. It just hurts so much.

Of course, this is not the case for every woman. Some women will conceive the first time they ovulate after miscarrying. But you need to be prepared for the possibility of going through some difficult cycles of disappointment before you get pregnant.

Keep in mind that stress (a struggle most women have while trying to conceive, miscarriage or no) as well as hormonal imbalances can hinder your body from being able to get pregnant for a time.

I struggled with some intense hormonal ups and downs with my body and my moods for several months following my miscarriage. Interestingly, it was immediately after my hormones calmed down that I got pregnant again.

It’s hard to be patient during such an emotional time. But try to trust that your body will know when it is ready for another pregnancy.

Don’t Lose Hope

I know this is a painful time, full of uncertainty about if and when you will be able to have a baby. As much as I wish I could give you the magic answer for healing from your loss and getting pregnant quickly, easily and stress-free, I don’t have that answer if it exists.

The best thing you can do right now is be patient (easier said than done, I know). And recognize this as an experience that will definitely grow you and give you the gift of empathy toward other mamas who have lost their babies.

Read this post for advice from other mamas on how to process miscarriage grief and preserve your baby’s memory.

And most importantly, don’t lose hope!

It takes different lengths of time for different women to conceive after miscarriage. But I know and know of countless women who have gone on to have successful pregnancies after having one or several miscarriages.

Genevieve Howland over at Mama Natural shares the heart-wrenching yet beautiful story of how she went through three miscarriages before finally giving birth to a healthy baby in this post. I strongly encourage you to read it to receive some comfort and hope.

And please open up to someone about your grief and pain.

If you’re not comfortable talking to friends or family members about your loss and struggles as you try to conceive, send me an email! I would love to be a non-threatening listening ear for you.

If you have been through a miscarriage in the past and now have your rainbow baby, please share in the comments to encourage other mamas who are still on their miscarriage journey.

And please share this post via the buttons below to encourage other mama’s waiting for their rainbow.