To the Mama Going Through Pregnancy After Recurrent Miscarriage

To the mama going through pregnancy after recurrent miscarriage …

I know. I know that the grief is not relieved (and may even be worsened) by having a successful pregnancy.

I understand. I understand that awkward moment when someone asks if you are excited and you can’t give them the right answer.

I get it. I get that it’s lonely to be pregnant after multiple losses, feeling like no one else gets it.

I have been there. My pregnancy with my second daughter – following 3 pregnancy losses – is one of the hardest things I have ever done.

Read my complete molar pregnancy story here and my chemical pregnancy stories here.

I have tried to write a blog post on my experience with pregnancy after recurrent miscarriage so many times. But I can never get past the first few paragraphs before I scrap it.

Quite frankly, it’s just too dark to write about. Too painful to dwell on. Too complicated to explain.

The memories from my pregnancy all feel so heavy with depression and grief that I don’t even like to think about it, honestly.

But I have to reach out to you somehow, Mama. To let you know that you are not alone.

So this is for you. This is for the mama like me who feels as though no words will ever be enough to express the conflicting emotions in your heart as you go through pregnancy after recurrent miscarriage.

These are the words you wish were sufficient. Coming from a mama who understands that words get stuck in your heart sometimes. Unable to escape. Just like the love and sorrow you forever hold there for the little babies you lost.

Love isn’t Always a Feeling

I know it hurts. I know you feel guilty. Because your baby deserves to be celebrated. But you just can’t do it right now.

But you love that baby. You know it and I know it. Sometimes love isn’t just a mushy, melty feeling inside.

Sometimes love is mustering your courage and walking into that ultrasound room while the traumatic memories assault you.

Sometimes love is buying a box of diapers when you are 35 weeks pregnant. Because you know your baby will need them. Even though you haven’t been able to bring yourself to buy any other baby things.

Sometimes love is watching a 5 minute birth preparation video on YouTube. Because that is all you can handle right now.

Sometimes you don’t feel love. Sometimes you do love.

Little Lives are Different Shapes

I know no one gets it. People seem to think you must be so excited to finally have a successful pregnancy. Most people don’t realize the layers of loss you have to work through every day.

Read more about how God cares about your miscarriage here.

What they can’t see are the missing pieces of your heart. What they don’t know is that each missing piece is unique. Because each precious baby you carried took up residence in is own shaped space in your heart.

Each little life has a different shape that embeds itself into your heart. And gaining a new little life cannot possibly fill the unique void that another life left behind.

But others don’t see the complex innerworkings of your heart. So they assume you are just happy. And you silently hurt, hesitant to admit the truth of how hard it is for fear of offending someone or sounding ungrateful.

But I get it. You are grateful for what you have been given. But you also still grieve what has been taken.

History has Repeated Itself Before

To outsiders, your fear and anxiety over the “what ifs” may seem excessive. But you know that history has repeated itself before. You have believed and hoped for the best with past pregnancies that disappointed.

You know what it feels like to hope that a pregnancy will turn out differently than the others. Only to be traumatized again by another heartbreaking ultrasound. Another awful day of seeing blood.

It is hard to hope after being let down and having to grieve multiple times already. I know that feeling. I know that hope is hard to come by during pregnancy after recurrent miscarriage.

But when hope feels lost, that is when you need faith.

Faith Must Take Over

The theme of my pregnancy with my first daughter (following one miscarriage) was hope. The hope that we would have a healthy baby comforted us after the loss of our first.

Read my first miscarriage story here.

But with this pregnancy, the theme was faith. Not because I had so much of it. But because I needed it so badly. And because I believed God would use this baby, this incredibly challenging experience, to regrow my faith that had been severely wounded after my miscarriages.

What helped me to exercise my faith even when I wasn’t feeling it was reciting personalized Bible verses that addressed my emotions. Choosing faith doesn’t always mean you feel it. But faith also does not mean you ignore your emotions.

During my pregnancy, I made a categorized list of Bible verse affirmations speaking to the various emotions we go through in pregnancy after recurrent miscarriage. I would love to share it with you. You can get free access to it by entering your email address here.

I don’t know why God has allowed your losses. But I know He’s not done with you. And I know He will use all of this for something good in your life and the lives of others.

I know it can be hard to feel hope in pregnancy after recurrent miscarriage. But when hope feels lost, faith must take over.

Faith: The belief in something we can’t yet see.

If this post has helped you, please share it with other mamas going through pregnancy after miscarriage via the social share buttons below. And if you have a story to tell, please share it in the comments so we mamas can walk this road together.