My Mama Struggle: Facing the Selfish Monster Inside

When was the last time you had a hard day, Mama? I can almost hear your laughter on the other side of that screen as you mentality respond, “When was the last time I didn’t have a hard day? Every day is a struggle!”

As wonderful as it is to be a mom and as thankful as I am to have my precious daughter, mom life is challenging in many different ways.

One of the things I am coming face-to-face with lately is my recent chronic case of the crankies. It seems more days than not involve a lot of whining, complaining, grumpy looks and frustrated sighs … and I’m talking about me, not my toddler.

Do I really want to admit this to you? … Not really. I wish I could write about something else. I have been trying to get in the mood to write a post about some research-heavy ideas I have fermenting in my brain.

But I have to put those on hold for now. It is one of those times when my mind is so fixed on other areas of life that I just can’t make it focus on more brainy topics which I hope to someday address.

So instead of an intellectual article, Mama, you’re in for another embarrassingly close-up view of my recent struggles in motherhood.

Do you want to know a little secret? In most of my posts, I am writing to myself. I write to myself because I know my struggle better than anyone else, so who better to address my problem than … me?

But I don’t write my blog posts to hear my own advice. Although writing about my experiences in motherhood is often therapeutic for me, the real reason I write is with the hope that I am helping someone out there who is like me.

Someone who has also gone through a miscarriage, prepared dilligently to have a natural labor, dealt with infant acid reflux for months or years on end, experienced the intense hormones of weaning from breastfeeding, or dealt with the incredibly devestating reality of early childhood tooth decay.

If I have had a motherhood struggle, chances are, there are tons of other mamas who’ve had the same struggle. And if I am even a week further into my struggle than you are, I hope I can give you some encouragement from a week into your future.

So Mama, if you have been feeling especially cranky lately due to being a 24/7 full-time, on-call, first, second and third shift mom with no holiday pay, no vacation time, no sick days and the added pressure of being locked in the house with your high-maintanence boss due to a pandemic, this brutally honest post is for you.

Get a comical look at my 24/7 mama life in this post.

Wait … Are We Allowed to Talk About This?

If you are a mom, you are well-aquainted with a little voice that speaks frequently into your thoughts. A voice that is especially loud whenever you need a break. The little voice is called “Guilt.”

To be honest, I don’t really even feel like I have a right to discuss how I am struggling right now because it seems so petty compared to other struggles people are having.

I know I shouldn’t be complaining about needing a break from momming when there are so many moms out there dealing with the loss of their child or women mourning their infertility.

I should not be wishing for a moment to myself in light of the fact that some people only ever have moments to themselves and wish for a moment of company.

I should be thanking God in every mama moment, good or bad, for genorously giving me the job of motherhood and the honorable title of “Mama.” And actually, I do.

But there are also struggles. And petty or not, they are there to nag at us and wear us down.

So we are going to talk them out and get them off our chests. And then we are going to end our little therapy session with some joy-infusing thoughts to carry us through each mama moment of struggle.

Getting to the Root of the Struggle

I’ve had to think a lot about this lately: Why am I struggling so much with seemingly insignificant issues?

My life is good and relatively easy compared to a lot of mamas. We are financially stable enough that I can stay home with my toddler daughter. I don’t have worries about whether we will have enough to eat this week. Everyone is relatively healthy. I have a loving and supportive husband and a very well-behaved daughter.

My intention in stating all this is not at all to brag. On the contrary, I am ashamed. Ashamed that I can be so blessed and still manage to find things to complain about.

Sure, there are some real contributing factors to my current state of stress.

My daughter can be extremely clingy. Sometimes she refuses to be with anyone but me and won’t even tolerate my husband holding or playing with her.

Some days I do not have any alone time (sound familiar, Mama?), including while she sleeps since she cannot sleep without frequently nursing. Some days, I have to hold and rock her in an uncomfortable position while nursing her in order to get her to nap. And some days, she just doesn’t nap.

Find out why your baby will only sleep when held in this post.

And then there’s the hormones. If you missed my last post, check out what hormones can do to you after weaning (or partially weaning) from breastfeeding here.

The hormonal irritability is what has been causing me the greatest struggle lately. Trying to be patient, loving and kind is exceptionally difficult when every little thing that doesn’t quite go my way triggers a ridiculous amount of frustration.

And let’s not forget the ever-present juggling act we must perform as moms attempting to keep track of and complete every task on time and get it done perfectly between 10,000 interuptions per day.

Add to that any of the additional struggles life can throw your way – job losses, car trouble, behavior issues, marital disputes, health concerns – and mom overwhelm seems to always be just around the corner.

But why? Why am I not more willing to freely give my time to my child and husband without a sigh of resignation or an argument of how much I have to do?

I keep coming back to the same answer and I think it is the only answer God really wants me to hear right now, because He’s not giving me any other ones so far:

We are selfish by nature. I am selfish. Inside I am focused on me. Meeting my needs. Making sure I am okay. And if I am not “okay,” I seem to feel entitled to make that abundantly clear to everyone around me.

If I am desperate for a moment alone, my first response to my daughter who cannot sleep for her nap is to feel frusrated with her, as though it’s her fault. My focus, as her mom, ought to be on making sure she is okay. If she can’t nap and will be okay without one, I have no reason to be upset from the standpoint of caretaker.

But if my primary goal is to keep myself happy and comfortable … yeah, life with a toddler can be pretty frustrating sometimes.

Now, in saying that we are naturally selfish, I do not mean to discount the fact that we do need some alone time. Especially when you are really struggling with something or need to work through something, it is important to make time for yourself to think, pray, etc.

But personally, what I have been discovering lately is that sometimes I think a solid chunk of alone time will greatly improve my parenting. But in reality, the greatest influence on my parenting is my attitude. I don’t always get a choice about how much, if any, alone time I get. But I can work on my attitude about my situation.

So then, the uncomfortable fact is, my ultimate mama struggle right now is not the result of crazy hormones, a clingy toddler, or even the isolation of this pandemic.

Deep down, the struggle I am having is that I just want to be happy and feel good all the time. I want everyone to follow my schedule and not interrupt me when I’m accomplishing something. I want to receive positive attention from my family but then want only to be left alone when the moods in the house head south.

Can you relate, Mama? Do you sometimes feel the desire to just escape everyone and everything, regardless of who needs you or whatever will happen to your house without you around to manage it for half a day?

Gain access to my FREE Goals Journal for a purposeful mama life by entering your email at the bottom of this page!

Well, I’d like to help. I wish I could babysit your kids for a few hours so you could escape without any guilt. But since I can’t do that, let me at least offer you some bits of joy to remember in those tough moments.

Fighting the Frustration With Joy

Happy Moments are Available After Every Failure

There is a story in the Bible (Matthew 18:21-22) describing a time when one of Jesus’ disciples asked Him how many times he should forgive the same person committing a wrong against him repeatedly. Jesus’ answer was to forgive the same offender 77 times – basically, continuously.

In another passage (Luke 17:3-4) , Jesus tells his disciples to forgive a brother who sins against one of them as often as he repents, even if that is 7 times a day!

I found this incredibly encouraging in the midst of my own daily battle with selfishness. If Jesus told his people to forgive endlessly, He will surely do the same with me and you.

You know what else is great? Children tend to automatically forgive those they love easily and repeatedly. They can’t allow their intense desire and need for love and attachment to be compromised by a grudge.

So with every failure to be patient, give a little more, or demand a little less, there is an immediate fresh start available to you, Mama. Imagine taking hold of that little joy nugget and having 7+ opportunities each day to start over!

There Will be a New Season Soon

Another little thought that keeps whispering into my heart lately is that this time of frustration is only a season. It will end soon.

I may not become an incredibly selfless person overnight at any point. But some of the difficult things I’m dealing with right now are very temporary.

The circumstances that are currently going on in my life (petty though they may be) are opening my eyes to how selfish I am, and I am trying to learn how to get more joy out of putting a smile on my family members’ faces than my own.

But I am also encouraged when I remember how short each phase of motherhood is in the grand scheme of life. Someday soon I will look back on this time with an appreciation for what I learned and a tear for the stage my daughter will have graduated from by then.

Life is short and seasons pass by quickly. Some of your mama struggle may be easily rectified with a little time.

There Can be Joy Without Perfection

Finally, Mama, you don’t need to look perfect, feel perfect or act perfect to enjoy being a mom. Even if you yelled at your kids this morning, it doesn’t mean you do not love being a mom or that you are not a good mom.

It means you’re an imperfect mom. Welcome to world-wide club of moms!

No matter how many times you mess up, no matter how often you need forgiveness every day, the joy of connecting with a child who thinks you’re a superhero is always available to you. Embrace and savor that incredible reality while you can!