My Baby Has Holes in Her Heart and I Know Why

My baby has holes in her heart. Four of them. And I know why.

My baby has holes in her heart because I had holes in my heart while I carried her in my womb. Four of them.

The pregnancy journey with this baby was exceptionally difficult. Instead of the joyful celebration of new life it was supposed to be, it was a process of grief that left me severely depressed much of the time.

I had four holes in my heart that were constantly bleeding. Like the four holes in my baby’s heart that constantly cause the mixing of oxygenated blood with deoxygenated blood.

My baby has holes in her heart because I had holes in my heart while I carried her. One hole for each baby I lost. One hole for each sibling my baby doesn’t have. Four.

Read my missed miscarriage story here.

While she was being formed inside my belly, I grieved for those four other little babies that should have been born. And my heart felt utterly broken and disfigured with that grief.

But now, as her holes are being treated and cared for, so are mine.

As I bounced her all night many nights in the hospital while she cried. As I gently spoke to her to assure her of my presence when she came out of surgery. As I wept when I thought I would have to leave her side in ICU that first night after surgery.

As I comforted her after numerous traumatic failed attempts to draw blood. As I lashed out at the medical staff for crashing her crib into the doorframe right after the trauma of having her arterial lines removed.

As I assure her that Mommy is here and she will be safe, I hear God say it to me too. As I give her the promise that she will never leave His hands, I know that I won’t either.

As I feel her pain and fight for her, I know that He does that for me too.

Read my complete molar pregnancy story here.

She doesn’t understand. She looks at me, screaming with wild eyes, begging me to fix it when they dig around and can’t find a vein. She wonders why I would allow this. Why don’t I make them stop?

Sometimes I do. Sometimes I demand they cease their efforts because I can’t watch her pain anymore.

But there is some pain that she has to go through in this unfair process.

I don’t understand either. I look to God with hurt pouring from my eyes and ask why He took my babies. I wonder why He allowed it. Why didn’t he stop death?

Sometimes He does. Sometimes He gives me living babies and enormous blessing.

But there are some babies I don’t get to hold in this unfair life.

Read my chemical pregnancy stories here.

In the first couple of days following my baby’s surgery, I told my mom that there wasn’t really anything I could do to make her more comfortable any more than what the nurses could do.

She didn’t calm down at the sound of my voice. She wasn’t in less physical pain because I was near. She didn’t relax when I gingerly stroked her little head.

“But,” I said, “I just want her to know that I haven’t left her when she’s in pain.”

It didn’t make the pain stop, but at least she was never alone or left with only strangers to tend to her in her hardest moments. She knew I was there. I was always with her.

Maybe that is what God has done for me. Even when I felt like he betrayed me by letting me hurt. Even when I felt like he didn’t care because He didn’t change the situation.

Maybe God allows pain for reasons I am not capable of understanding. Like a baby can’t understand the decisions of adults that cause her pain.

Read “God Cares About Your Miscarriage” here.

But He refuses to leave me even if He doesn’t stop what’s happening. He won’t walk away even when I blame Him. He won’t give up on watching me in my critical hour in the middle of a long night.

He’s ready to speak soothing words and stroke my forehead with loving care. Even if He doesn’t make the bad things stop. He refuses to leave me.

And maybe that’s enough. He is enough.

My baby has holes in her heart. Four of them. Because I have holes in my heart. Four of them. And together we are finding healing.