Pregnancy loss awareness. I don’t quite know what to say. It feels as though I’ve bled the well of grief dry. Not for myself. But for others.
It’s Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. And I’ve been trying to come up with the right words – something I haven’t already said before in a million different ways.
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Scroll to the bottom of this post for a list of resources to help you heal from pregnancy loss.
Pregnancy Loss Awareness Means More
I could write about pregnancy loss unendingly. But sometimes, I wonder if others grow tired of reading about this grief. I wonder if others wish I would just move on and forget.
I have two beautiful children after all. The past is in the past, right?
Wrong.
While I am indescribably grateful for my living children, my pregnancy losses are not my past. They are my reality. They are a large part of my motherhood story.
Pregnancy loss is not something that happened to me and is now over.
It’s my first pregnancy memories that were supposed to be nothing but bliss but turned into pain.
It’s my third pregnancy that produced nothing but anger. And the hope that heaven will someday unexpectedly reveal a soul that will make that molar pregnancy experience worth it.
It’s my fourth pregnancy that was so full of love and cut so very short. All the thoughts in my head that still wonder who that little person I loved so much was.
Read my chemical pregnancy stories that happened just one month apart here.
It’s my fifth pregnancy that abruptly ended just one month after my fourth, breaking me in a way that forever changed me.
It’s my sixth and finally successful pregnancy after recurrent loss which required me to walk through the heavy, grief-filled memories of four losses every single day.
It’s my second daughter being born and my heart failing to bond with hers automatically, even as I held her in my arms.
It’s the postpartum depression that made each day unbearable despite the presence of my beautiful rainbow.
Find out how I naturally balanced my hormones after miscarriage here.
It’s the holes in my heart that will never go away but will bleed less with time.
It’s the “what ifs” and the “how comes”. It’s the “what nows” and the “never agains”.
Pregnancy loss is not my past.
It’s what forever changed who I am as a mom and as a person.
Pregnancy loss took so much from me.
Pregnancy Loss Gave Me Something
But it also gave me something:
Empathy. Understanding. Compassion.
Pregnancy loss awareness reminds me of how many women out there are just like me, even though many of them never show it on the outside. Please know that even if you do not let the rest of the world see your pain, it is indeed seen. It does indeed matter.
The baby you lost matters, no matter what stage of pregnancy you were at. You matter, Mama.
If you have suffered from pregnancy loss, I want you to know that you are not alone. I want you to know that you are still allowed to talk about your losses, no matter how long it’s been.
I want you to know that it is okay to still hurt. Because pregnancy loss will always hurt on some level.
But there will also be some level of healing over time.
Read “God Cares About Your Miscarriage” here.
I have come to believe that complete healing from the heartbreaks of motherhood may not be possible in this life. We will never be that innocent woman of before.
But I do know that it gets better. It gets easier. You will learn to accept it, little by little, over time.
If you are struggling and need pregnancy loss support – wherever you are at on your journey – please take advantage of the pregnancy loss resources listed below.
And, as always, I am here for you. You can email me if you need to share your pregnancy loss story with someone who understands that kind of pain and confusion. You are not alone.
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